Yep, that’s it. I’m done with people. I’m done hoping, I’m done thinking it will get better, I’m done. Hope that I could ever be happy has made me absolutely crazy, and I get crazier every day. I give everything of myself and get shit in return because, as was made clear in early life, I am not worth shit. Oh sure, when you first meet me I’m novel and wheeee fun! But once I stop being a fun toy I am not worth shit. Not to boyfriends, not to friends, not to husbands, not to parents, not to siblings, not to employers. Not to anyone.
There is no way for me to make myself lovable enough to be worth it. Everyone stands me up. Everyone cancels. Even when I beg people, please, I need so bad to go out and get out of the house and do ONE thing just for me…people cancel on me. Even when I say I feel like I’m losing my mind, I’ve doubled my valium dosage because I can’t stand to be awake without it, please help me, let’s go out, let’s just go to the cafe, I need to be around people who I don’t have to serve or be strong for…they bail. Something is always more important. I am only important when I am useful, and as soon as I’m not they just don’t give a fuck about me.
I am also old, fat, and not anyone anyone wants to fall in love with because I am old, fat, average looking and crazy as fuck. I am so, so lonely.
I will keep trudging along miserably through life for as long as I can, but I am done expecting my hard work and all my effort to make any difference for my own happiness. Because it doesn’t. It’s pointless, hope is dead and I’m done.